Being Here NOW
Once again, I've been off radar, but not because nothing's going on. In fact, alot is happening, which has left me with so little time to even reflect, let alone blog. But with Spring in the air, I am ready to share.In truth, things have been pretty tough lately. The economic landslide has taken its toll on me, my professional life and my family and I have been forced to focus in a way I never have. Pure survival. With 4 kids, 2 dogs, 2 cars and my dreamhouse, my overhead is huge, and its all I can do to just try to keep the machine moving forward without my head exploding in fear. Its been a struggle just to get the mortgage paid, and the unpaid bills keep stacking up. Business is OK, but its growth has been stifled. And the location shoots we generally hosted at least 1-2x month on average over the last 5 years have virtually evaporated with the steep decline in the advertising and production industries.
Its an understatement to say that the pressure is on. My anxiety level is high. Very high.
And yet my wife and I have never been more in love. I am so grateful that the crucible has brought our family closer, as I know it so easily could tear us apart. Were in it together. Not just my wife and I, but the kids too. Everyone pitching in to help, getting creative. Coming together to solve our common problems.
I came across the above photo today and it really reminded me how much I love my family. The picture was taken before my 2 little girls were born, when we were in the middle of building our house. For 7 months we lived in a 22' Airstream trailer and a Tepee. Yes, a true to life Souix Tepee. It had its romances, but it was also challenging. It was winter (LA winter, but still cold); a very rainy winter. Our "campsite" was down a hill from the construction site and I remember nights when we would run out of propane in the middle of the night. Or mornings when it was so muddy we couldn't get the VW Bug up the hill. We kept our laundry in the car. We lived like vagabonds. But it was wonderful. We were in love and we were building a house. It was a great time. And just looking at the picture says it all. Takes me right to what is really important when that fear creeps in. And it definitely creeps in.
As the patriarch of my brood, I battle feelings of emasculation. I NEED to solve this problem for them. Its up to me t make it right. Believe me, it keeps me up at night. I have what we call in AA, "self-will run riot". The idea that if I just apply my will to the situation and barrelforward, I can solve all these problems and everything will be OK. I can work harder. Work later. Pull all nighters. That sort of thing.
But what I have learned in sobriety (but mostly from my wife) is that this is not the solution. In fact, it is counter-productive. I am not in control. There are things I can do, sure. But it is incumbent upon me to identify what I can control and what I can't. And for those things I can't, I need to let go. Surrender. Because God is my employer.
The same thing applies to training. And its why so many endurance athletes overtrain. The idea being to just work harder than everyone else. Push the limit, day in day out. And any experienced endurance athlete will tell you this is a recipe for disaster. For injury. For burnout.
It would be elementary to conclude that I need to table my training for now and focus on "real life". But I also know that the experience of training -- for me -- is crucial to maintaining my presence of mind. And without this, I lack the tools to properly function.
Balance. Temperance. This is the key. Not just in training, but in life. And for me, it is really the event horizon -- something I am not good at. Something that takes alot of work on my part every day.
I worked till midnight last night, the woke up with what my mom always called "racing mind" -- its that thing that keeps you up at night. Worries about what might happen. Or what if I did this instead. But I know all too well the woes in living in the past or obsessing about a future that hasn't happened yet. My job is to stay present. Do what is in front of me. And most importantly, to be balanced.
So despite every inclination that I needed to race into work and grind out a solution founded in my self-will, I did the opposite. I went on a ride. It was a beautiful morning in the Santa Monica Mountains and as I climbed Topanga, I realized that this is what grounds me. What keeps me in the "moment". Present. And its this presence of mind, body and soul that is the greatest weapon in my arsenal of taking on the rigors of daily life.
And yet at the moment of this realization, I quickly forget. I'm dumb that way. I need to be constantly reminded, vigilant when it comes to the idea of what my favorite yogi Bhagavan Das (he married Julie and I) coined "Be Here Now" or what my main man Eckhart Tolle calls "The Now". That odd spiritual equation that contravenes every obsessive fiber of my body to live anywhere but here.
I don't know where I'm going with this other than to say that the more present I can be, the more productive I am. When I look at my children, I see that rare ability to just be in the moment. And its in that place -- and only that place -- where true joy and happiness can reside. When I see that twinkle in their eyes, it is the most potent reminder of what is truly important in life.
For me, the only way to embody some semblance of Now is to be on my bike, tackling a tough climb. Out on a remote trail, running in solace, at one with nature. In the ocean, swimming along with the tides. Or maybe just a moment of meditative silence during the work day.
It doesn't come easy, but when it does, I experience a happiness that that is otherwise rare for me. And this -- this is why I love endurance sports. Its not the racing. Don't get me wrong, I love that. But its the daily experience of presence that the training brings. Its truly a spiritual practice, and for this I am forever grateful.
